I can’t take credit for this statement. I just read to fantastic articles on EliteDaily:
- No More Filler Guys: Why You Should Wait For The One You Deserve
- Why You Deserve Someone Who Will Give You The World And Nothing Less
As I’m dealing with the aftermath of getting over The Recruiter, I’ve done all kinds of reading, watching all kinds of videos, and doing a lot of thinking. Maybe way too much thinking. Way, way, way too much thinking. I keep questioning if I did something wrong, gave the wrong vibe, maybe the wrong impression. But I don’t think so. I debate calling him, but not sure that’s the best approach either. If he wanted to talk, he knew how to reach me.
I started feeling better last night and this morning, with only a few bouts or twinges of hurt. Then I read these articles I linked to above and felt it was a message I needed to hear. And I feel a bit better. Maybe the Recruiter was just a filler guy. Someone who is taking up my man space. I haven’t had a mother to talk to one-on-one in many years. More than a decade, but I felt that if she were around, she would have something similar. Maybe not in those exact words, but along those lines.
Then I read the second article – and I believe I deserve someone who will give me the world and nothing less.We all deserve it. They’re both good reads, so I think you need to take the time to. My two cents…for what it’s worth….
“I’m worried about you. You never take this long to get over a guy,” said one of my closest friends
She said this to me a couple of days ago. She was legitimately worried about me and she’s right. I tend to get over men pretty quickly. I got over the Personal Trainer pretty quickly. So why can’t I get over The Recruiter?
I’ll tell you why. Because he made me feel right. And good. And that he truly cared. But what he did also was the worst thing a man could do. He took my one biggest fear when it came to men and turned it on me. He stood in my kitchen and asked me about my previous relationships and what hurt me most.
I told him – men that go 60 MPH and then disappear all of the sudden. Then we had a wonderful 24 hours together. We went to my friend’s play, back to his house to get some of his stuff, ordered pizza, and relaxed at my house. I told him it was nice to fall asleep and wake up next to him. He learned about my family. My closest friends.
And then he left to go have lunch with his friend. And said he would “definitely try to come back.” But he didn’t and when we talked and texted later that day, he seemed off. He seemed weird.
Then he didn’t return my text the next day. I spoke to my friends and re-read all the dating sites. I was reminded that a man wants to chase and if he wanted to reach out, he would. He didn’t. I waited a week and then I reached out. I had to. And he didn’t respond. So I got my closure. Not complete closure, but at least I got an answer.
But I’m so hurt. You did the one thing I asked you not to. You took my heart and then you ran away without any explanation.
DAMN YOU. DAMN YOU. DAMN YOU!
My therapist suggested I journal. And I typically journal this type of stuff, privately. But I felt this needed a more “public” display. You don’t know I blog. I’m sure you don’t even care.
You hurt me. You knew disappearing on me would destroy me and you didn’t care. Not one iota. We had a wonderful 24 hours, had a blast, made out, talked about future dates, slept in, and made breakfast. And then 24 hours later you dipped out and disappeared.
Well, I’ll tell you this. I have great friends – and even in this crazy blizzard (yes, another one), where I would usually be brooding by myself, my friends invited me down to their condo. We ordered pizza, drank wine, had dessert, and yes talked about you. I needed to get you out of my system. And guess what? I feel better. I feel I can move on from whatever connection we had…
I wish you all the best in your life. But I wish for something wonderful for mine. And sadly, it won’t include you. I do know that it will include an amazing man that won’t pull a “Houdini” on me ever again.
This is how The Recruiter made me feel. I guess he meant it for a bit, but has since changed his mind. I know this may be the latest “love of my life,” but I hope the next one is my final love of my life and will make me feel like this always.
Check out the video!
The past year has been a hectic ride. I took most of 2014 to be single and do what was best for me. I dated, I had a couple of flings. But nothing too serious.
When we got closer to the end of the year, I realized I wanted to change my ways. I realized I did want a partner. I wanted someone to share my weekends with, my dinners with, and be that partner that they need as well. I thought I found that with the personal trainer. My god, was he hot. Amazing body, incredibly cerebral, but totally did not have his act together. Which was a shame. We had good conversations and when I needed someone, he was by my side.
Until he wasn’t. He disappeared quite frequently. He had baggage – his old life, his crazy ex-girlfriends, his daughter from a previous relationship. He said he had ambition to go back to school, but never pursued it. He said he wanted to do more with his personal training business, but didn’t do anything to move it forward. When things got insane in his life, he disappeared. And that was all within the first few weeks of us dating.
Finally it hit me, he wasn’t ready. He was pushing me away. The first time he did, I understood. Said let’s take a step back and re-evaluate where we are and be friends. That worked for about a week. Then I traveled, but kept in touch. Then when I was back, he pushed me away again. That was it, I was done. And I told him so. Well, I texted him so – that was his MO. He wouldn’t talk, only text. That should have been a dead give away.
So I took a few days and then went back online and found the recruiter. Solid, normal, guy. Had his act together. Wanted to see me, made plans in advance, held the car door for me, helped me in the snow. All around awesome guy. Now a few weeks in, he has done the vanishing act. And I’m sad. Very sad and very mopey. Doesn’t help that we’re all cooped up here in one of the worst winters we’ve ever had…I mean, in years, decades. It’s bad. He was supposed to spend the weekend with me and left after one night. It made me wonder what I did wrong. I talked with my friends, tried to focus on work and the house, etc. Then my friend sent me this video and I decided to give him his space.
What kills me is that I’ve opened up to him and told him my fears of men acting distant and vanishing. And what did he do? Not even a day later? The vanishing act. So this is me, writing, and taking my power back.
I’m not sure who is still reading this blog or if you’ll even care. But I needed to write this post for me. I’m hoping he comes back and wants to talk. But after a lot of soul searching, I’ve realized I’ve done nothing wrong and he needs to figure his shit out. And if he wants me, we’ll have a talk about our values and what we each want (again.)
Wish me luck because even though The Recruiter has done the vanishing act, he really is a good guy. And I like him and I’m hoping we can pursue something larger. But if not, then I’ve learned something from this nonsense and will move on soon.
I have a beef to make…is that the right saying? If not, here’s what I’m trying to say…I have a problem with married people. Not that I’m not happy for you. Or your respective husbands or wives. Or children. Or pets. My problem is that you think just because I am single, I have more flexibility than you do.
Newsflash: I am just as busy, if not busier than you. Here’s why:
- I have to clean my house. I am not a two-income household. And yes, my house may be smaller than yours, but I have MY OWN and I have to clean it. I have some disposable income, but not enough to pay for a housekeeper. Which most of you do. The housekeeper, that is. You don’t have to worry about keeping your home clean because some helps you.
- Similar to above, I have to do my own grocery shopping and cooking. I have no help for that. So sometimes, I spend my Sunday mornings prepping for the rest of the week. I can’t just send my hubby to do it.
- Did I mention my bills? I have to take the time to pay for them. And guess what, with a home – I have the same amount/number of bills as you. Mortgage, insurance, water, etc.etc. etc.
- And God forbid something breaks. I need to research and find people to help fix the big problems in my house – y’know…A/C, plumbing, etc. And guess what? That takes time and money. Must I reiterate this is a one-income, one person household? So it all falls on me.
- I work very long hours. I work across many different timezones – and oftentimes work 12 hour days. And I can’t use the reason of going home to a family to get the better work/life balance. I still have to commute, clean, cook, and take care of me. Which all takes time.
- I date. Yes, just because I’m single, doesn’t mean that I don’t go out. Do you know how exhausting it is to date in your 30s? Especially when you work 12 hour days (see above!)? And it takes more effort than when in your 20s to make yourself look presentable.
- I have pets just like you. But when I travel – and trust me, I travel more than most – I have to figure out who takes cares of Bella. I don’t have husband to watch over her when I leave. I have to plan. (And yes, pay for a petsitter.)
- I commute – and unfortunately, it takes a long time to get to the job that pays me what I need to be paid in order to pay the mortgage, the bills, my food, and my pet sitter for when I travel. Not that you don’t commute as well, but I don’t have that person to lean on, talk to, vent to, etc. when commuting for long periods of time.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think your lives are always perfect. And I appreciate every single one of my friends and feel that being husbands/wives/parents are the greatest gifts you can offer to this world. But I also hope that this feeling could be reciprocated. Just once for the single girl.
Because I’m single, doesn’t mean that I can just always come to you. Sometimes if you came to me, had dinner at my house, or simply understood that I can’t always drop my responsibilities at the drop of a hat just because you want me to, I would feel better. But to always expect me to drive the 10, 20, 50+ miles to visit you…well, its a hard pill to swallow.
For once, it would be nice if the married people understood that being single still has it’s responsibilities. Just because we’re single, doesn’t mean that we are single-minded.
OK, so recently I’ve talked about the positive aspects of girls weekends and the power of affirmations. One of my greatest friends (yes, she is part of Girls Weekend) recently reminded me that in order to take the power back in finding my soulmate, I need to write everything down that I want/don’t want in my perfect love. I’ve done it before, so I figured, I need to re-visit/re-write this list. Again, what better place than here to put it out to the world. So here goes:
What I Want/Deserve/Need:
- Someone I’m attracted to – Surfer Dude was perfection! We were attracted to each other on so many levels. It actually started off on an intellectual level (which I think was the best way), then evolved into emotional and physical levels.
- Someone who is caring – believes in volunteering and doing good in this world.
- Someone who wants to travel, try new restaurants, taking cooking class or golf lessons with me.
- Someone who believes in his job. He doesn’t need to make a six-figure salary, but he needs to be able to take care of himself monetarily and enjoy his work (i.e. don’t hate your job. We all have days, but hating your job and complaining about it on a regular basis – no, thank you. No bueno.)
- Someone who likes his family and spends time with them.
- Someone who has a close circle of friends. Who wants to bring me into that world and vice versa. I.e. I want him to accept my friends and want to become part of my world.
- No drama please. Surfer Dude was awesome and amazing in SO MANY WAYS, but he brought the drama. It was toxic. It was hurtful. It was totally unnecessary.
- Someone who can just chill – whether it’s laying in bed on a lazy Sunday or sit out on the back deck enjoying a sunset with a glass of wine in hand.
- Someone who accepts my somewhat crazy lifestyle. I am emotionally close with my family, but not physically. It takes planes, trains, and automobiles to see them. I travel for work – and this is just a fact in my world. But I’d want someone who would like to come with me when/if it is possible/appropriate.
- He has to like Ms. Bella. Well he doesn’t have to love her like I do, but he has to accept we’re a package deal.
- He has to appreciate the finer things in life – and appreciate the fact I do as well. But still loves me on down days when I’m in workout gear cleaning the house and running errands.
- Someone who isn’t lazy – i.e. can clean up the house/after himself. Being quiet and lazy is fun sometimes (see point 8), but it cannot be a lifestyle.
- Dress nicely – yes, superficial, but it’s needed sometimes in this world. At least I have a couple of suits to wear to weddings and shoes that aren’t just sneakers.
- Oh, and if he can cook, that’s a major plus.
- Romantic – even if it’s something like holding my hand in my public, giving me little kisses before bed, or something extravagant. I need romance (don’t most women!)
- Love me for me. No one is perfect, but I need someone who can accept me for me. Warts and all. But also looks for and expects the best out of me.
I’m sure there is more…I just need to think about it. But this is a good and important start! Now UNIVERSE, BRING HIM TO ME!